


I got Black on my ledger 03

by NyxSolei



Series: I got Black on my ledger [3]
Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Marvel Comics - Freeform, Marvel Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1945605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxSolei/pseuds/NyxSolei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky tries to remember, but gets not exactly what he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bring him up

It has been mere four nights, but four nights in a row which he couldn't fall asleep in.  
For once, he felt like he is on the right path, like he's going to fix what he had broken and yet- why does everything feels... Off?  
Steve said that it's because of the time-break, but Bucky knew better than this, he knew that it's because of her.  
Each day, he went to SHIELD's facility, to get assigned and aided by their guys. Each day, she stared at him with that dead-eye look, as if she wanted to pierce his chest with her deadly little knife that he knew far too well.  
He tried to look away, to occupy himself with training and focusing himself on regaining memories, but that look, didn't let him sleep. He was sitting on the grey sofa, staring blankly at the air with a fifth cup of coffee in his hand.  
He knew he did wrong to her, but why- why for the first time that he tries to approach her, apologize to her and become better, she won't let him?  
Steve said to give it time, but he hasn't been exactly the patient one that is, he was away for 70 years. Steve also said to ignore her for the time being, it's hard for her, to see people turn sides, especially with what happened to Clint.  
But he couldn't care less about Clint, he was there for her back in Russia. Was he, really? Not that he knew. His memories were still in such a huge blur, messing around with his mental wellness. He felt just.. not connected to anything, like there is nothing that should keep him trying moving on with his... Life?  
Steve said it happened to him too, but SHIELD got him on the right path back, reminding him what's important and who he is here for.  
Bucky knew all that, and yet, he didn't want any of it. He just wanted her to stop piercing his heart like that.  
In times he could daze off to sleep or nap, it wasn't for long; her inhuman screams back from the Hydra base roared between his ears and he felt guilt, terrible guilt, that he just stood there and did nothing.  
And oh god-- all the blood he spilled, how could she forgive him after what he has done?


	2. Russian America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russia stands still in his mind, America was never an option

He couldn't sleep again, so he watched TV. Some old records about what was going on in New York in the time he was the Winter Soldier. When did he stop being him, anyway? Just getting a few glimpses of the past and a few feelings won't get him off the trail of that deadly assassin he was.  
And honestly, he never stopped being a deadly assassin- SHIELD has inquired his skills to work against Hydra, and he agreed. Vengeance was always his option, even back then in Russia, he remembers that day that he killed for the first time; not due a mission, but due vengeance.  
Natalia was about ten or eleven, somewhere around that, he was a year older. They were training, as usual, knifes with knifes. She was pretty good even back then, when her arm was still burnt from the fire she was saved from. The same day she got her first rank as a Black Widow, managing to knock him off the feet as he was, a rank 1 Winter Soldier.   
There were some who didn't like the sudden success of the walking skeleton with the red hair, but it didn't matter to him. He was taught that if anyone is in his way, he must be crushed. So he did; When he saw the other Winter Soldier recruit beating her and hurting her, he didn't think twice before stabbing his neck with his own knife.  
"Ты в порядке?" He asked, helping her getting up and taking her over his back. She was tiny back then, easy to carry and be experimented on.  
She gave him a quick nod as the wounds she got healed up almoust instantly. Right, that's another thing the Black Widow recruits had. Their wounds heal up four times quicker, they grow up four times slower and they are never sick. Unless it was Natalia, who was sick most of the time.  
If it wasn't for the clock that woke him up from his memory, he would have sat there for hours, thinking and dwelling over his past.   
Then, it accourd to him, his memories- all of them, they are from Russia. Not even one from America or Steve. Those were memories of Natalia. It didn't took him long before he grabbed his leather jacket and the car's keys and rushed outside to demand from SHIELD that he would be assigned to work with her.  
She keeps on showing in his mind, she must have meant something to him- something that even now, when he had nothing but the present and the future to live through, he remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was.. optimistic! I'm having trouble sleeping myself, let's take this time to write some more! :)


	3. Key chains and Silver doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has the key now, what door will he open with it?

The facility was empty, nothing new. None of the agents were forced to stay in the most insecure place on earth, at least for them. They were everywhere, however- if any mission has to be done, someone will take care of it.  
When he came to the underground offices and dwellings, for those who do not have any other place, he knew exactly where to go and who to talk to, as if he was programmed to do so.  
"Agent Barnes." Fury greeted him from his chair behind the glass pane.  
"Where's Natalia?" He asked without any hesitation.  
"Agent Romanoff is currently in a mission with Agent Murdock. I suggest you go back to Rogers' apartment, you were assigned to stay the-"  
"I don't give a tad ass about what I was assigned to do. For the first time in 70 years I can do what I want and I'm not planning on listening to any more orders." He slammed his fists on the bar, causing the glass to shake.  
The director raised an eyebrow,staying quiet for a while and analyzing Barnes' situation. Was he on rage? Perhaps the stay inside agent Rogers' apartment was not a good therapy?  
He shook off the thoughts,"Room C-563, knock before you go in." Fury said but Bucky was already on his was to the appointed place.  
He passed long and narrow halls, full of iron doors, what reminded him a little of Hydra's base. The thoughts that he could think for the first time in a very long period was what bothered him before he got to her room and stood there infront of the door, waiting upon something.  
The iron door was still closed and he could hear knifes behind it, getting thrown at the wall over and over. She was anxious, perhaps, was it his fault however? Did his return made her so?  
No. He knew Natalia too well for him to be the reason- people has never made her anxious nor nervous, she was training.   
He knocked on the door, his metal hand clanged against the metal door. He heard the knives stop and footsteps coming closer to the door, opening it eventually.  
"What are you doing here?" He looked up to her as she said so.   
"I need to talk to you." He replied calmly, however unsure what he was doing there.  
"Make an appointment, I'm busy." She slammed the door but he held it back with his iron arm.  
He sighed in frustration,"For once I'm trying to do something correct. I am trying to get better with the world and fix what I've done." He paused.  
She raised an eyebrow,"Good." She shrugged,"Now go."  
"No, Natalia-"  
"Natasha." He was cut by her irritated voice.  
"Natasha, when I got my memories back and snapped out of the program, you were the first, and last thing I could remember. I can't recall any day with Steve but I can remember vividly our youth." He said, opening the door to stand right in front of her. His eyes were locked on hers, as her ones were locked on his.  
"I owe you a huge debt. You gave me strength to go back to Bucky Barnes that people knew once, you helped me get out of the Winter Soldier part."  
She shook her head,"But you're not him. You will never be, that same James Barnes I knew in Russia. You are now Bucky Barnes, ex-Hydra agent. I learnt the hard way that you'll never be who you were."  
"No, I'm not, but I can fix this, and I'm trying- I want you to know, above everyone that I'd do anything, anything, to get back to normal. To be functioning around here. I want to be able to go to the street and not see familiar faces because I killed someone close to those people but to see familiar faces as friends." He explained,"I don't ask for forgiveness."  
"Then what are you asking for?" She asked, short-tempered.  
"I ask for time, Natalia. You waited seventy years, a mere month or two is nothing for you, you're stronger than that." He had a slight smile upon his face.  
Natasha looked at him, then behind her, then back at him,"I need to show you something." She said, going to her bed, searching for something underneath the mattress, examining whatever she found and going back to Barnes.  
She threw it to him, closing the door a little,"Good luck soldier." She said with a faint smile, closing the door and locking it.  
As he heard the knives being thrown again, he finally could see what he caught in his fist. His smile widened when he saw the soviet key chain with their names on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much for Buckynat!♥♥♥♥


	4. Escape Route

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self destruction was always an option.

He was training now and then, keeping up his normal amount of physical capacity. The truth is he was doing it because he wasn't capable of doing anything else- Fury didn't let him to do any missions and he was bound to Steve's appartment, to 'get better'. But really, he felt like any of this didn't help him, at all. He wanted to be out there, doing things to fix what he has done, to bring some justice after the horrible things he had commited.   
He looked at the key chain, 'James Barnes', that was carved in the solid metal. He sighed, grabbing his water while thinking over and over; Natasha did gave him the chance, did she? And yet, why after their talk she still won't trust him, won't let him get close to her? It's true he had Steve on his side, but for how long could he live someone else's life when he did that for 70 years?  
He looked up at the florescent light before it started to twitch before his eyes. 'Oh no..' He thought as it was too late- He shut his eyes and grabbed his own chest, wincing in pain. He let out a loud scream while his senses became dull. He fell to the ground with a loud thump, roaring his pain out.   
This time, the flashback wasn't from the time he was in Russia, but the time he was in college, with Steve.  
They were sitting together in the field next to school, eating lunch and laughing at some stupid jokes he couldn't quiet recall. He felt calm and happy, something that he missed horribly those days.  
He opened a beer and offered one to Steve who declined it politely,"Aren't you suppoused to be training next period?" Steve asked, lying back on his bag.  
Bucky shrugged,"Honestly, if I wouldn't have this beer, there's no way I could train. Coach makes us go round the school seven times." He sipped a little, looking to Steve.  
"In army it would be worse, and they won't let you have a beer." He smiled,"What would you do then?"  
"Girls, every other Saturday we'll come back from the camps. Hey, you know that brunette from math?" He layed back next to Steve.  
"A smart gal." He replied,"Melissa, I think."  
"I might get a date with her." He grinned.  
"Bucky-" Steve rolled his eyes.  
"Nothing beyond, though!" He swore, crossing his heart and laughing,"We're enlisting in a month or two, there's no use to settle down."  
"Bucky!" Steve shouted, though he couldn't figure out why.  
"Bucky!" He shouted again, louder and the picture became less and less vivid. He could hear himself screaming again and his heart beating between his ears. The pain in the chest, the loud screeching noise in his mind; he had another panic attack, along with another flashback.  
But there was someone there, someone familiar.  
"Bucky!" Steve said, trying to calm him down,"Bucky, it's me!"  
His frightened eyes stared at Steve, processing the matter, slowly. It took him a few more moments of quick glances at the room to understand that he's been out, and he's back.  
"Steve-" He huffed, holding to his friend's arm, using it to sit up. How long was he out?  
The blond one helped Bucky up, steadily and slowly, carefully not to hurt anything. He had a very good idea what those panic attacks are like. Missing out pieces- feeling not connected to the world, he could visualize the feeling very well.  
Bucky calmed his breathe, his hand trailing through his hair, removing it from his scared eyes. Yes, he was back, but he wasn't sure he wanted that.   
"I know it isn't simple." Steve said finally, cutting the silence. He placed his hand on Bucky's shoulder,"But you shouldn't burden yourself with facing it alone."  
"Thanks, but I'll pass." He replied, huffing out every word.  
"I was cut from the world, too, you know." He made sure that his friend would calm down. He brought him his bottle,"I know what you're going through."  
He took it from him, a little more relaxed, he took a sip and only then turned to Steve,"I wasn't cut from the world. I actively made it worse. You know that." He sat on the bench and Steve followed.  
"We've been through this, Bucky. No one blames you for what happened in Hydra."  
"Oh yeah?" He lightened up,"Why then, every time I go to the main facility to catch up on things I get stares and comments about my time there? Why," He paused, clenching fists,"Why everytime I try to talk to someone they shut me out?" He turned to Steve, shouting his words,"I am trying to get better! I can't do it if there's no use!"   
Steve sat a few moments in silence then finally looked up to Bucky,"There is." He looked down again. Something caught his eye, however. He looked at Bucky's fist, its skin was ragged and stained red,"There's always a use." He repeated, not mentioning to his friend the self destructiveness he was afraid of.  
"No." He shook his head,"Not until Natalia will give me a chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overcoming writer's block!♥


	5. Undercover research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talkative people, no, agents.

There are a few various things that can make the so-called Black Widow become unbalanced. But there are even more things that make her confused. Not showing it however, was her specialty, even when Steve Rogers turned to talk to her about James Barnes.  
It was late night, or so the clock said- underground the outer world didn't matter. What made her sleepless and restless, nothing that can do well to her unbalanced situation.  
She was piercing knives at the wall again, the same place as before. The knives already carved an ugly scar on the wall, being dropped there for hours. She wasn't sure however how many.  
The director forced her to stay inside, until Stark, Banner and Barton will get a hint of Hydra's trail. They escaped during the attack, they still live, like their saying- "Cut one head down, two more shall take it place."  
But who's place are they taking, really? James'?  
"Natasha?" Her thoughts were cut off by Steve's voice, as he knocked on the metal door, asking to come in.  
She looked at the door, then at the wall. She took the knives off the wall, placing them on the shelf and turning to the door,"Did Fury sent you to consult me?" She opened it, letting him in.  
"No, but I want to talk to you." He admitted, closing the door after him. Steve sat down on her bed as she was restless in a chair next to it.  
"Did you find anything about Hydra?" She asked, whispering her words. The director doesn't need to hear her worry.  
"Stark and Banner are still in the labs, Barton was sent on a field mission. There's nothing to worry about." He reassured her,"Nothing really but you and Bucky."  
She wanted to frown, to roll her eyes and lock away her unbalanced emotions but it was Steve in front of her. Someone she had trusted deeply, without even questioning his behaviour. Instead of hiding, she crossed legs and placed her hands over her knee, prepared to hear whatever he wanted to say.  
"You know it's been a few weeks already, he's getting better. He gets flashes here and then, remembering stuff." He said, leaning back on the wall with his hands crossed,"And he didn't get any reaction from you."  
She closed her eyes, process, then opened them again. He doesn't need any reaction from her. How can he be in SHIELD while he doesn't remember anything? He didn't 'come back' he just.. Doesn't behave so aggressively  
"Maybe it's for the best." She replied calmly, her frightened storm of feeling hidden well inside her.  
"No, it isn't. What's the matter, Natasha?" He asked leaning forward, hands on his legs,"He tries hard to be someone he was seventy years ago."  
"He can't." She broke her own barrier,"This is Zola's plan, it has to be-"  
"Why are you shutting him out?" Her voice was broke by his,"He tries for you, you know." He looked up to her, his eyes passing through her nerveous face features.  
She couldn't speak, so she tried to find something to focus on- whatever she could have. 'Tries for you'. It rang in her ears, it can't be true. Someone with no memory can't hang on one glimpse he saw by chance. He was in Hydra and a Hydra agent he is- training and getting stronger to go on a mission.   
"Natasha." He broke her thoughts again,"You and Bucky need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Ode, she's the most wonderful Steve Rogers you can ever find. She helped me writing him, can't thank her enough!♥♥♥♥


	6. New blind era

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some friends are welcoming, and some are really don't.

His face features grew tired marks over his pale skin. Dark circles decorated his blue eyes. He thought that this situation is better than before, that at least he can feel sleepy, or choose whenever to sleep or not.  
But she knew the situation isn't optimal, because of her behaviour. She agreed to talk with him, only after Matt will return from his mission, so she could at least have some company to consult her after the conversation. And now, when she was prepared and had a sleepless night just to repeat in her mind what would she tell Barnes, she felt apprehensive.  
Like every other day, he was in the training room, straining himself out. He was surrounded by things that were familiar to him; the new era must have been hard to process.  
When she entered silently, he didn't notice at first, he still punched the bag in front of him. While unnoticed, Natasha picked up a few things- his belongings were quiet few, and sentimental. He had the tags she gave him, mechanic tools and an army hat, probably Steve's.  
She knew she was noticed when he turned to her, acting as if she wasn't there- was he afraid of her?  
"How are you?" She began the procedure, what she repeatedly went over last night.  
He looked up to her, somewhat bewildered, "Training for a mission." He answered, tying his hair back again.  
"That wasn't the question I asked." She sat on the bench, crossing legs.  
"I'm fine." Bucky said, punching the bag again and turning his back to her.   
"You seem tired, James." She said, getting up again and walking to him,"You don't look fine."  
"Is that what you called me? All the time we were in Russia?" He asked her, still focused on punching.  
"No, I called you my friend." She said. She was never good at sentimentality, but faking it was an easy job. Even though she promised not to use her talents at.. Friends, he wasn't a friend at the moment, "I'd like to go back to that." A small smile grew over her lips.  
He stopped, holding the bag in his metal arm,"You would?" He looked to her, with a glimpse of hope in his eyes.  
Natasha nodded,"It must have been hard to get used to this." She said,"Where are you staying?" She mumbled after a long silence between the two.  
"I've been the whole week here, you have no idea how comfortable the punch bags can become." He joked with a smile.  
"That is, if you slept." She mentioned,"In your case, you hadn't."  
He confessed,"You got me." Bucky rolled his eyes, grabbing his belongings,"I'm suppoused to stay at Cap's place, but I figured out he needs his own place for himself."  
"You can stay here." She smiled to him, following him.  
"That's what I've been doing." He shrugged.  
"I mean in the rooms SHIELD gives. You can stay at my place." She looked up to him,"I won't mind."  
He stopped and turned to her,"You sure? Because last time I went to someone's place I kind of destroyed the kitchen."  
She nodded and gestured him to follow her as she led the both of them to her room.  
It wasn't something special, but it was hers. At least something that stays still and doesn't change, besides Clint's humour.  
"I got enough space on the bench, you can throw some pillows there and maybe-" She was cut by the sight of Matt in her room, as she opened the door,"Matt." She looked at him,"I thought you were out to California again." Her smile became wider than before.  
He smiled back to her, putting his shades aside,"Someone had to stay and check that you're not getting into trouble."   
Bucky knew he was blind, but the fact that a blind man was staring straight at him when he said 'trouble', bothered him at some point. Especially coming from a man he has never met before, up to this day. It bothered him even more that Natasha has stopped looking back to him every few moments like she did when they walked down here. Instead, she went to the man and hugged him tight.   
Her interest in him was only a matter of minutes, or so he figured,"I should get back to training." He said, after a while she spoke to that red haired man.  
"No, come on, you two have a lot in common." She invited him in, but Bucky knew very well Matt wasn't hyped about that idea. Well, who gives a shit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhuhu~ Bucky and Matt are getting a little bit in a conflict! Next one will start off straight with a 'talk' between the two!♥♥♥

**Author's Note:**

> I promise something less depressing next!♥


End file.
